Sexual Addiction and The "3 Second Rule"
Sexual addiction is one of the most "cunning, baffling and powerful" forms of out-of-control behavior (that phrase comes from the Alcoholic Anonymous "Big Book", which after 70 years is still the most influential text ever published on the subject of addiction).
Part of what make sex addiction so difficult to treat is the source of its neurochemical "hit". While a drug addict needs to ingest a substance in order to get high, a sex addict can begin to experience subtle mood alteration by simply engaging in risky thought processes that fall under several categories, including:
- Objectification (the process of thinking about another person more as an object to be used rather than a relationship to be honored);
- Intrigue (engaging in thoughts or actions designed to manipulate a person or situation for sexual purposes);
- Fantasy (the act of imagining scenarios that fulfill an idealized wish unrelated to reality);
- Obsession (recurrent thoughts outside of a person's control).
Mood alteration and loss of self-control is a hallmark of all addiction, and for a sex addict this often occurs long before actual physiological arousal ever kicks in. Since the primary sexual organ is the brain, long-term recovery requires dedicated attention to unhealthy thought sequences that can burn like the fuse on a bomb.
The basic premise of the "3 second rule" is that it's difficult to predict or control what thoughts come into your head. Since some sex addicts have literally spent decades calming or distracting even minor emotional disturbances with fantasy, objectification and intrigue, even a passing moment of anxiety or sadness may automatically trigger the emergence of these dysfunctional attempts at emotional self-regulation. This is the heart of the concept of self-medication, and it's dangerous as a snake.
The goal of the 3 second rule is to prevent a potentially unhealthy thought from lingering any longer than is necessary to recognize and deal with it. Consider a match dropped in a dry forest: initially the fire is small and can easily be extinguished. But a person who doesn't pay attention or who delays taking action soon discovers that even a small flame can quickly spread out of control with devastating repercussions. It's the same with thoughts: while you're not necessarily responsible for the thoughts that start to form in your head, after about three seconds you "own" them (or more accurately they own you).
"Working the 3 second rule " can be an extremely useful tool for preventing the spread of dysfunctional thought processes that can undermine emotional and sexual sobriety. This requires a degree of mindful self-observation that may be difficult to initially develop but which grows stronger with consistent practice and yields benefits that are almost immediately evident.
Comments
The "3-Second Rule" may be helpful to those whose have the ability to utilize it consistently. However, there are others who truly are powerless (not just "powerless-like"). They are beyond human help and are the one's for whom the 12-Steps were designed.
Each time a true sex addict is able to put a potentially addictive erotic thought out of his mind after allowing it to reside there for three seconds he is led to believe in his power over his addiction. This illusion is extremely dangerous. While he may be able to control his thoughts by an exercise of the will in ninety-nine out of a hundred times, that hundredth time may be the one that costs him his health, freedom, marriage or even his life.
The 12-Steps are about reliance on a non-human Spiritual Entity rather than reliance on self.
Hi Tim, thanks for sharing your thoughts. I appreciate your perspective. I'm certainly not saying the 3 second rule (or 0.3 seconds for that matter) is all there is to it, but as you know people in 12-step recovery for addictive/compulsive sexual behavior practice all kinds of safeguards such as staying away from "old playgrounds and playmates", checking in objectification and intrique with sponsors and program buddies, and all kinds of strategies to help them in their journey.
Hi Bill, thanks for your reply. Actually, in addition to self-reliance vs. reliance on a Higher Power, I have a concern about the erotophobia that seems to be pervasive in most "S" program meetings and in the lives of many recovering sex addicts. It perpetuates the "bigdealness" of sex and therefore keeps alive the power that sexual thought and feeling have over the individual.
I have never known anyone to be addicted to anything that they didn't personally consider to be a "big deal." Drinking is a big deal to alcoholics. It's not to non-alcoholics. Placing a bet is a big deal to a compulsive gambler while to me it means nothing.
Rather than encouraging folks to accept their sexual feelings as simply part of their humanity we tend to support their fear of their own sexuality. This bolsters the "bigdealness" and the power these thoughts and feelings have over the person.
I can understand this. I am a sex addict and have more than 25 years of uninterrupted abstinence from my own bottom line addictive sexual behaviors. (I take no credit for my longevity of sobriety. Many years ago I realized the futility of fighting myself and came to rely on a Spiritual Entity to do my fighting for me. It's been doing a fantastic job!)
Still, in the beginning, I too was scared of my erotic thoughts and feelings. However, I've been free of those fears for many years now. As the fear diminished, so too did the power those thoughts had over me. As for the power that remained, I let an even greater Power deal with it.
Nevertheless, I'm not suggesting that my experience and my method will help everyone. We each have to find our own way.
Well, when your sexual thoughts are only about hurting people, treating them like objects, I can understand that one is afraid of them. Staring at a pretty girl imagining having sex with her in 10 different positions, being frustrated about it, following her to her house "just for the fantasy", and repeating it every day does seem dangerous to me. This is not a normal sexual behavior and it should be prevented. It is not a sexual feeling that is part of everyones humanity but it is part of the addiction. However, the normal sexual feelings, the ones we have no reason to be afraid of, those too can be spoken of in S meetings, fear of sexuality, sexual anorexia are also common topics in S meetings. And second, S meetings never teach what is good for you, if I am correct, it is up to you to define your botom line behaviors that you want to stop. Some people try to stop going to prostitutes but decide to continue watching porn, some people only have a big problem with porn and try to stop it. And nobody teaches anything to anybody, they just help each other and learn from each other. If fear of your normal sexual thoughts is a problem for you, it is up to you to define your bottom line behaviors to include that problem, and others will help you doing so in S meetings.
Excellent points! Thanks for sharing them.
One point of clarification: Sexoholics Anonymous (SA) is the one "S" fellowship that does define sexual sobriety/bottom line behavior rather than support each individual member to decide this question individually. For this reason I often recommend people attend one of the other fellowships such as SAA, SLAA or SCA, especially if they're not married.
Talk about "even a small flame can quickly spread out of control with devastating repercussions."! We've seen it in Tiger Woods' example, isn't it? Sex addiction can lead to one losing his career and even family so it shouldn't be taken lightly. Even though it may be a pretty taboo subject to discuss about in public at times. Yours, Patty
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